If the title is not a reflection of my rather absent-minded and/or scatterbrained quirks, or what some call “attention deficit disorder,” then I am failing at haphazard.
I lie awake, a little too warm. My insomnia is particularly bad this night. After an hour or so of lying awake, I get out of bed, throw on some clothes, and visit the bathroom. I brew some coffee, and seat myself at the computer with the intention of getting a few things off my mind.
I recently reconnected with a long-lost best friend, and I have some things I want to say to him. I log into a social media account and begin writing a message to him, only to find that he is online. We chat for a bit. Oddly, I discover that he and I are both in similar situations (in very general terms) regarding work and relationships. He has to go now. But, I feel that I must say to him what I began to in the first place. I write to him, saying that there is no obligation for him to respond right away. I tell him how I’ve missed him, how happy I am that we’ve reconnected, how proud I am that he accomplished most of what he set out to do, and that I love him now as I always have. I also tell him what an idiot I am. Had I not been, it would be me by his side, and those would be my children. But, I digress, as I made a choice all those years ago, and I must live with the consequences of that choice. I am just happy to reconnect with you, I say.
Of course, he doesn’t respond. I’m sure he will, eventually, but I don’t want him to feel it obligatory to do so. Meanwhile, I make chemistry jokes with some of my other insomniac friends (A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”) I play an interactive game for a little while. Then I read some other people’s blogs. Then I play a different game. By this point, I’ve had something like four cups of coffee, and I want more.
My mind wanders, getting lost in some of my favorite music, as well as some interesting and some rather deep thoughts (excluding the part where I’m an idiot; that only applies in situations devoid of logic, since I tend to apply logic and reason to everything, even those things that are illogical; it gives me a sense of stability, and yet, in some cases, it creates unintentional consequences, since I often forget that many others allow their emotions to guide them instead of any sense of reason. Oh look, I’m rambling). *singing* twirling ’round this familiar parabole…
The only place(s) I ever felt a sense of peace were those in which there was limited contact with humanity. I’ve fared quite well in deserts. Though the landscapes can be somewhat barren, sometimes that blank slate is precisely what I need to sort out the tangles in my head. There is a serene beauty in the hidden ecology, as richly colored sunrises and sunsets bathe even the dead of winter (in the desert). Have you ever heard that saying, “A camel is really a horse created by a committee”?
I peak out a window to assess what the day might bring. Thick gray clouds obscure the rising sun, bathing everything in a deep blue light. Based on the movement in the tree branches, it is windy. I go to the door and step outside. It is not too humid, and warm, but not unbearably hot. The breeze is actually quite cool, and I shiver just a little. Oddly I am simultaneously picturing the area in which I work. Forests and wildlife, gravel lots, less traveled paved roads. Every morning all kinds of moths adorn the outside of the building, drying their wings amidst the peeling paint.
I miss my thick-walled “palace” home. It was in a most exotic land, surrounded by exotic flora and fauna. It was simple, and there were few modern amenities (sometimes none at all), but it was one of the most profound periods in my life. In some ways, a very quintessential place in time, but in most ways, it encompassed a poignant beauty and a depth of meaning that some in this world will never have the opportunity to experience.
The other day, I saved a butterfly’s life. I saw it struggling to take flight. It kept failing; it was caught in the wind that was created by a large floor fan. I managed to pick it up and move it out of the air current, into a patch of grass outside the building. It rested there for a bit; I did not see it when I went out again a little while after. I hope it survived. One reason I am disappointed and sometimes disgusted with humanity is that for all their talk of humbleness and doing good deeds to their fellows (and other species, et cetera) and noble causes, they cannot open their collective third eye to see what is truly before them. Humans are shallow. I always longed for, just a little bit, someone who sees as I see, understands as I understand; someone who would recognize my fragility behind this mask and pick me up and hold me, protecting me from the fallacious species we call mankind. If the camel is the face of the committee, then am I to assume that hidden beneath the false smiley exterior is an ill-tempered spitting beast who, if he feels slighted in any way, will throw a tantrum worthy of a small child, try to destroy his “nemesis” emotionally, and then cry like a coward because his feelings got hurt?
But, I digress. I suppose that’s enough rambling about the intertwining tangents rolling through my mind at any given moment. Sometimes I have a very difficult time focusing, especially on days like today. My disclaimer: this blog is for you to know the world in my head, not necessarily the superficial life I live. Though, in my case, one sometimes reflects the other, I usually hold my tongue. I’ve concluded that approximately 75% of everything I ever think remains encased and words are never uttered to reflect them. If you only knew, I always think to myself. I’m sure if I shared everything, many would be frightened, saddened, perplexed, disturbed, and think I’m insane.
Anyway, the ten words I first thought up are thus:
I’ve chosen the first three, rearranging them to make at least a little sense. To truly capture the precise and mnemonic logic of the multiple strings of thought going on in my brain, gesticulating camels are, in fact, quintessential.