I find myself simultaneously burnt out and motivated. I need a break from these equations, but I need to make some progress on them. Four sections finished, four more to the next check point. I suppose I could work on processing this other stuff, but that’s already been meted for my weekly tasks. I kind of want to work on my graphic novella, but all my drafts are at home. It seems I am unable to concentrate on much right now. Apparently Attention Deficit Disorder is a thing I have. I always do my best work at night and in the wee hours of the morn, when few others are awake and restless as I.
Meanwhile, though I am unable to really focus at the moment, I find myself in quite a contemplative state. If you were to ask me nine months ago what my life would be like now, I would not have even begun to fathom what it’s become. I’ve experienced myriad changes, to the point where my life is completely different than what I initially had in mind. This is not to say it’s all bad; in fact, I’d argue that many of the changes have been good. Even the one that did the most damage hasn’t been all bad. If nothing else, it showed me how much of myself I lost, how much I sacrificed, for another’s success. It showed me just how wrong that whole situation was to begin with; any relationship should involve all parties balancing the give-and-take; one should not be giving more than the other (or others, as the case may be). That being said, if one feels they are contributing a lot already, but another feels it is in the wrong ways, then either tactfully sort your shite out or use the situation to determine the greater implications of such disjointedness, and figure out what the best course(s) of action might be. But I digress on that point; during this time, I’ve also fallen in love with someone very dear to me who I wish I could see more often. I don’t think that he feels quite the same, but even if he does, the timing’s not right for anything serious. More importantly, after all that I’ve been through in this life, it stokes a little warm fire inside me that I am still capable of loving another so completely, with no expectation for him to change or even love me back. See the video inserted in this post.
To further demonstrate my mad ADD skills (as I sit here listening to some great electronic/club tracks kind of wishing I was at a rave), let’s completely change direction. I’ve been seeing quite a lot of press lately about the…shall we say…lower standards of amenities in Sochi. Having been in similar situations in my life (not tied to any kind of international sporting event [though there was a lot of news coverage], but I’ll never take a flushing toilet or a shower for granted again, to put it mildly), I can understand the massive frustration that many involved must be feeling. I would also like to point out what decades of Stalinist ideology, communism, and very well-developed KGB tactics have left Russian culture: the Cold War and its effects still linger all over the world’s largest country (in terms of land area). Their infrastructure is still being rebuilt from its original inception in the 1950s-1980s. The workers’ attitudes reflect conditions that were common there during the Cold War: see the story of Johnnie Balfour (http://www.news.com.au/sport/olympic-contractors-sochi-horror-story/story-fnl6khi7-1226821745956). And, there are many more stories of this ilk. Russia is still recovering from the economic collapse that brought her communist days to an end. Vladimir Putin himself is (forgive me if this offends) a bit of a Cold War relic. Second time in premiereship, the first having been during the “war” itself? And he’s a “true believer”? Yeah. All this makes me wonder. The fact that Russia put in a bid for hosting the Olympics (Russia does have an excellent environment for the Winter Games) could have been an attempt to show the world Russia’s greatness; it could have been a way for Putin to demonstrate that his country is on equal footing with the other superpowers. It could have been a way for them to overshadow the U.S., which, let’s recall, was what they hoped to accomplish out of the Cold War (not quite that simple, but you get the idea). One fact of the Cold War that is often over the heads of the general populus: Russia (the Soviet Union) wanted to be seen as equal with the U.S.; in reality, during the early days of the “war” (1946ish to the 1960s), and perhaps even through today, the only way they were ever truly equal was in the area of nuclear weapons. The rest was all a show of force, a front designed to blind the world against the truth of Soviet conditions everywhere. I was always taught that the Cold War ended when the Soviet Union collapsed; but did it really? Many Americans I come across are still taught how absolutely evil communism is, with no differentiation between Stalinism and, for example, Vietnamese nationalist communism (*NOTE: communism is an economic system, like capitalism an economic system). Further, many Americans have never been taught what communism actually is. If the world generally agrees that the Cold War in fact ended when the Soviet Union collapsed, then is Vladimir Putin attempting to revive the old conflict under a new name, like some sort of revenge for “losing” the first time? Let us also keep in mind the Cold War had no winners; but it did have one big loser, and arguably many other casualties along the way. As those of us in the world who are able to see and hear what’s going on in Sochi marvel at the Soviet-era ghosts, let us remember the Summer Olympics in Berlin in 1936 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1936_Summer_Olympics). Are the Olympic Games really about international cooperation through universal sports competition, or are they about promoting nationalism and showing off in an attempt to garner favorable international political attention?